One in three men report being affected by early ejaculation. That’s a lot of guys! Even more men out there are feeling as though they are underperforming in the bedroom. Often the idea that you might be underperforming can lead to all sorts of beliefs, ideas, and feelings about yourself. One of the ways I have seen this feeling of underperforming affect men in my office is they begin to feel shame and place so much pressure on themselves it can be difficult for them to find any enjoyment in the experience at all. This vortex can create performance anxiety.
Performance anxiety is the stress that a person puts on themselves during sex that takes them away from what is actually happening and put them in their heads, thinking about what is happening instead of feeling the sensations of what is going on. For someone with a tendency to ejaculate before they want to, this can be a huge problem because they detach from the feelings of arousal in the body, and before they know it, they have already reached climax.
If I just had one recommendation for getting started, it would be to practice staying in the present and being aware of what is happening in your body as your arousal builds. This will help you focus on your bodily sensations rather than overanalyzing the situation. If you notice stress or anxiety surfacing, breath into that tension and try to relax that area of your body.
One common area of tension is the legs. My hunch is that most men’s “fight or flight” response kicks in because of the stress they are putting on themselves, and the legs are trying to get them out of the situation they are in. You can practice staying in your body during masterbation or in play with a partner. Gaining awareness of where you are on your arousal scale (note: the scale is 1-10, 1 being little arousal, 9 being the point of no return) and how close you are to ejaculation, feeling into tightness or tension when you notice it, will help you gain control of your arousal and lengthen the amount of time you are able to stay aroused without ejaculating.
In my practice, before a first session with men struggling with this issue, I recommend listening to the Ejaculation Mastery Teleclass by Celeste & Danielle. This class offers tons of great information about early ejaculation and is a catalyst for getting to a place you want to be with ejaculation control.