Fantasy. We are all familiar with fantasy on one level or another, even if we are not aware of it. Most of us are familiar with fairy tales and Disney movies. Take Cinderella; you have a young girl living beneath her evil step sisters who eventually gets rescued by a handsome prince to live happily ever after. While some of you reading this might wince a bit, there are some of us, including myself, that could really get into this idea of someone taking us away and making our lives “perfect.” While I am very much aware this is not realistic and very idealistic, I still get to relish in the way I feel inside when I think about being swept away!
The great thing about fantasy is that it is all yours and it doesn’t have to make sense. You can use your imagination to change it, add things, take away things at any time. You are in control and get to call the shots.
The world of fantasy is endless. As you think about the details of your fantasies, you might ask yourself some of these questions:
- In an ideal sexual experience, where are you? Who is there with you? What is happening? How long does it go on for? How much control do you have? What are you feeling emotionally – love, guilty, relaxed, nervous, naughty, peaceful, etc.? Is there risk involved? Are you violating rules or laws? Is there anything you definitely don’t want to happen?
- Are you aware of your turn-ons and turn-offs? If no, take a moment to think about the first things you notice about a person? Are there any mental, emotional, physical, or even spiritual traits that are more intriguing than others? Do you feel more alive in certain situations or places? If yes, do you have any fantasies based on your turn-ons/ turn-offs?
- Which of your fantasies do you want to act out and which ones do you never want to act out. Are there any fantasies you are not sure you’d want to act out?
- Do you feel like your fantasies have an effect on other areas of your life?
Something else you may think about is the origin of your fantasies. Do you remember at what age you first started having a particular fantasy? Can you recall what experience or observation made you eroticize the themes or ideas at the core of your fantasy? A great book to read here is Jack Morin’s Erotic Mind.
When we really begin to really explore our own fantasy worlds, we often come up against a wall because sometimes our fantasies don’t fit into the box that we wanted them to. We want our partner to be fucked in the ass by another person, we want to watch a gang bang, we want to hurt someone or be forced to do unspeakable things. Sharing this with another person can be vulnerable and possibly scare them.
If you have a fantasy that you think might scare your partner, tell them about it in a calm manner and ask them if they might be interested in verbally exploring it with you. Exploring fantasies out loud or writing them down can be an amazing addition to any person’s sex life. Whether you are very satisfied sexually you or are looking to improve upon some aspect, you may even include some parts of your fantasies into dirty talk during sexual play to add intensity.
A client of mine told me about his desire to be urinated on in one of his fantasies. Through discussing it he realized it was only something he wanted to think about and made the distinction between fantasies to be thought about and fantasies to be acted on, because it was very clear to him that he did not actually want this to happen in reality. We talked about how he can always have this fantasy in verbal play and how he would share this with a partner.
Some do’s and dont’s:
- Do allow yourself to fully feel each part of the fantasy and explore all the facets of it in your mind.
- If acting out the fantasy verbally or physically, start slowly, especially if you are with a new partner or someone who you have not played with in this way before. We want everyone to feel safe and turned on.
- Take your time and see what feels right.
- If you need a safe word, decide on one before starting.
- Don’t rush through the images and thoughts that come to mind. Let yourself linger in each thought and trust that what comes up next will lead you down a road to deeper ecstasy.
- Don’t make your partner uncomfortable by moving too quickly. Scaring your partner is only fun when it’s consented to.
Another one of my clients expressed his anxiety around exploring any of his fantasies because in a prior relationship, he and his partner had started exploring and he felt uncomfortable with some of the things that started to get said during play. This is important to notice for yourself! If you are feeling overwhelmed or freaked out with what your partner is sharing, let them know. The best way to share this is to say something like, “ Wow, it’s really great that you are so turned on by this, I don’t think it’s doing much for me though, can we explore (blank) instead?” Or “can we go back to when you talked about (blank)?” It’s important to not shame our partners for having fantasies and to know that our partners are going to get turned on by many different things that are different than what we want. It’s also important to ask a question or make a suggestion about what you would like to do next so your partner does not feel shut down and the experience doesn’t have to end abruptly. This doesn’t mean we will never come together or that in time, you might actually come around to liking what initially made you uncomfortable.
REMEMBER: do not put limits on your imagination. You get to fantasize about anything that you want! You can desire and fantasize about things that in reality you will never want to engage in. It can be scary and vulnerable to share yourself in this way with someone but the payoff for the hot sex you get to have is worth it! It is never too early or too late to start sharing your fantasies during sexual play. Go on, get out there, and start fantasizing!
Further reading: The Erotic Mind – Understanding the Origins of Our Sexual Fantasies