Orgy Do’s And Don’ts

Guest post by Lady Jane

At BetterSexEd, we strive to bring you accurate, progressive information on a wide range of topics with a side of clever wit, cheeky humor, without a whole lot of judgment. Some topics are easier to research than others and some things while others – like advice to (potential) orgy participants – require some good old fashioned field experience and personal observation.

Many kinks, orientations, and realms of intimacy have their own subcultures and as a newcomer or outsider, it can be difficult at first to get the lay of the land. I encourage you to expand your own personal boundaries, explore your sexuality, and approach new situations with an open mind.

But let’s be honest, sometimes it’s nice to do some private research in the safety of your home first, before jumping in with both feet. You may want to read some books, ask some questions, and talk to some friends before attending your first sex club event, BDSM demonstration, or furry convention.

Therefore, with you in mind, it is with great pleasure that I pass along some orgy do’s and don’ts based on my personal experience, conversations, and observations.

Do arrive clean – At orgies, people are often naked and sharing many things, including space, saliva, and partners. Some sex parties may even have shower facilities, but others won’t, so it is highly encouraged that you arrive clean, free of open wounds, and appropriately dressed. Many sex clubs even have dress codes, costume themes, and expect that participants have excellent hygiene. It is polite to look presentable – not just having arrived from the gym – and it is even desirable to make an effort to wear nice undergarments. In fact, cute, cleverly selected panties can be a conversation starter and lead to many exciting adventures.

In addition, it’s not just you that should be clean, the space should also look and smell clean. Both male and female condoms, personal lubricants, rubber gloves, sanitizing wipes, towels, and soap should be readily accessible.

Personally, I do not like to be barefoot in high-travel spaces such as gyms, spas, or orgies. To resolve this issue and make myself feel like a sexy superhero at the same time, I don a pair of tall fuzzy or leather boots for my protection and personal happiness.

Don’t wear heavily scented perfumes – People may have allergies or be sensitive to certain chemicals. I once heard of a woman who was allergic to beeswax and had a reaction after kissing someone who had just applied lip balm. Tell play partners if you are allergic to substances such as latex or nonoxynol-9, the common ingredient in spermicidal lubricant. Remember, when sharing tight spaces (pun intended), your flowery perfume could give someone a headache and spoil a perfectly wonderful puppy pile.

Do be overly cautious about your health – Orgies can be high-risk events so it is important to know and set your own personal boundaries. Be sure to talk about boundaries with the people you play with and, if applicable, with the partner(s) you arrive with. Consider if you want your partner having unprotected sex with strangers, oral sex, or engaging in anal play, for example. Set boundaries BEFORE you go to the orgy and keep them sacred. Perhaps set up a safe word with your partner(s) in advance as a secret signal for a quick exit.

It is okay to be anal (pun also intended) about your health when it comes to group sex. Clean the surfaces that have been used with wipes, lay down a towel, or move to another area if you know that bodily fluids have come into contact with an area you would like to use. Bring your own condoms if you choose and never be afraid to ask someone to use gloves, a dental dam, or to go wash their hands with soap and water before you touch. Transmission of STDs can be greatly reduced if you practice safer sex and you’ll feel a lot better knowing you protected yourself and those around you by taking appropriate precautions.

Don’t arrive sick! – Please don’t pass around the flu at the orgy! If you are feeling unwell, stay home, masturbate on your own, and rest. And please don’t attend an orgy if you have just gotten stitches, just got a tattoo or have an oozing wound, or could potentially pass on an STD. If you do choose to attend, please disclose any health information to your partner(s) before you engage in sexual activity. Informed consent is the best kind.

Do what the Dominatrix says! – In many sex clubs, there may be one room devoted to BDSM play and since there are usually whips, chains, electricity, and potentially dangerous equipment, there is usually someone in charge of keeping the space safe. It is the Dominatrix’s job to ensure the safety and consent of everyone in her play room. He/she/they will make sure participants are comfortable, have a safe word just in case, and they will also help the activities remain under control. Do what they say and follow the rules! Often, the Dominatrix is trained or certified in the BDSM arts, knows how to use the equipment, and knows how to get the most pleasure (or pain!) out of each toy. She is your friend, ally, and you are at her mercy in the best way imaginable until you communicate you’ve had enough.

Don’t break the rules – Sex clubs should have house rules that are clearly posted and each participant may need to sign a waiver or give verbal consent ensuring they will follow instructions. Failure to do so may result in you and the people you arrived with being asked to leave. Orgy culture often dictates that you are responsible for the people you bring and vice versa.  If you can’t play nice, you and everyone associated with you, will be asked to leave.

In fact, many play spaces have specially designated people who do not engage in play and whose only job it is to keep a close eye on the scene. These people are your friends and allies and you can look to them for counseling, comfort, and support.

Do compliment those around you – People can be nervous or self-conscious at orgies. Perhaps it is their first time, they are shy, or embarrassed about their bodies. Be gentle, be human, and be nice! No one’s body is perfect, which is what makes us all so beautiful. Compliment costumes, tattoos, breasts, skin, or absolutely amazing cocks and you will find that other orgy participants will be more likely to want to play with you. Plus, when someone flatters you, you feel more confident and there’s nothing sexier than confidence. Many sex clubs even have large mirrors so you can watch your fabulous self in all its sexy glory.

Don’t judge – Participants may be ashamed of their kinks, seeking acceptance, or finding that the only place they feel fully comfortable is amongst other sex positive people. Instead of labeling and judging people based on their physical appearances, admire the amazing diversity of the human form. All shapes and sizes make the world go ‘round.

Do be inclusive – At my first sex party, I was invited to hook up with a couple and my partner was asked to sit out. I was flattered that they had selected me and wanted to include me in their fantasy but my partner was left feeling alone, excluded, and bored. In retrospect, I should have asked the couple if my partner could have come along, too, but I didn’t because I was so excited that they had wanted me. My partner’s feeling were hurt and after I was done with the couple, I took the opportunity to learn from this situation and not engage in play if my partner feels uncomfortable about my choices.

Do be respectful – Some people may just want to have sex with the person they brought to the party while others may not want to have sex at all. Many orgy spaces have separate rooms for different activities. There may be a dance floor, a kissing room, a touching only room, a BDSM room, and a room where it is okay to have sex. The only way to know what boundaries people have is to use your words and ask them! Respect their wishes, boundaries, desires, and choices!

Don’t take things personally – Orgies can be overwhelming and like I mentioned before, some people may be there for the first time. They may just want to sit, watch, and converse, fully clothed. If someone doesn’t want to play with you, it’s okay and they have their reasons why. You are still fabulous and, especially at an orgy, there will be other people who will want to include you in their elaborate fantasies.

Do have regular, normal conversations – You never know who will be there and what you might have in common. Take this opportunity to show genuine interest in people as human beings and I guarantee it will lead to either a new friendship, some professional networking, and/or, sex. Do keep in mind that people may have secret identities when it comes to attending group sex parties so they may use fake names and have an alter ego. Still, what a great chance to expand your personal boundaries by talking to someone new in a safe space.

Do get consent! – This is perhaps the most important orgy “do” of them all. Try saying something like, “may I touch your shoulder or give you a massage?” or even, “would you like to kiss me while my partner watches? Would that be okay?” I try to ask for consent at every step along the intercourse road all the way up to, “would you like to have sex with me?” or even, “Wow, your cock is very impressive, may I put it in my mouth?” Knowing you have permission to do something is a wonderful feeling and verbalizing it feels a little naughty. Have fun getting consent, talking dirty, and getting your fantasies met!

Do leave if you feel uncomfortable – Once, my partner wanted to take me to a specialized orgy at a private house. Nothing says, “I love you” more than a sex party playing to your particular kink! I really appreciated the effort that my partner went to in finding the party, calling to RSVP, and paying the entrance fee. However, when we arrived, we discovered that the party was open to single men, which isn’t usually the case with orgies. The house was full of men and there was only one other woman there besides me. I immediately felt uncomfortable, given the ratio of men to women, so we left. No questions asked. Remember, you always have the right and choice to leave a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable.

If you’re curious about attending an orgy, there are many resources you can use to find one near you. Though the community might be a little secretive, once you start asking around, you’ll find that more and more people are curious about the topic. If you are in the bay area, you can even attend tours and workshops at The San Francisco Armory or set up your own orgy with friends. Word of mouth is also a popular way to learn about group sex events as well as Fetlife and inquiring at your local sex shop. Have fun, and stay safe!

Thumbnail image titled Once Upon A Time by Keith Haring

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