The Elusive Female Orgasm


Keeley’s Orgasm by Nikita Coulombe

I have always had an interest in sex; either in being sexual or feeling a sexy energetic connection with people. From a pretty young age I liked to experiment. When people who knew me as a teenager found out that I became a sex coach, it was certainly no surprise. In my sessions with clients, I disclose very personal information about myself if I believe it can help that person better understand their own sexuality. One thing most people are very surprised to learn, is how I found my own orgasm.

Being a (very) sexual being and having a lot of sex (basically a prerequisite to being a sex coach), one would think I was having lots of orgams along the way. The truth was that I wasn’t. I knew the term orgasm. It was clear that my male partners would have orgasms. I thought I did too, but wasn’t really sure… the whole thing just felt good so initially I didn’t give much thought to it.

I remember my senior year in high school, I was dating a guy who was a few years older. His best friend had a girlfriend and we would often all hang out. One day, when she and I were chatting alone, I asked her about orgasm. I shared that I wasn’t really sure if I was having them and asked her how you would know. (This was before you could easily turn to Google for answers). She seemed pretty uncomfortable with the question and I quickly retreated and said “oh yeah… um… I’m having those.” The truth was, I wasn’t and even worse, she went and told her boyfriend, who then told my boyfriend, and it became this whole thing. Really, my partner wasn’t doing anything wrong, I just didn’t know how to reach orgasm. So I set off to learn.

I rarely masturbated as a teen. I know what some of you are thinking, “that’s what most women say but really they do.” But being one of those folks for a really long time that didn’t masturbate, I totally get why some people don’t do it. It seemed sort of pointless for a long time. I mean, it felt ok, but really it just felt better to be with a lover.

It wasn’t until I was about 23 years old and I took a class at The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality called Sexological Bodywork that I knew for sure that I wasn’t orgasming. (Sexological Bodywork is a certificate you can get where you learn how use your hands on people’s bodies to help educate them about their own sexual arousal.) During this course I felt like I needed to lie and claim that I was orgasming. I felt ashamed; like if everyone found out that I didn’t really know my own body they would think less of me. I mean, who takes a class about pleasure and is unable to orgasm themselves? I went through the whole class faking it… but thankfully learning a lot and beginning to open up along the way.

It was about two weeks after the course ended when I finally had what I would consider my first real orgasm. I remember taking the Hitachi (the big “massager” vibrator that plugs into the wall) into the bathroom with me at the house I was staying at and laying on the tile floor. It was mid-afternoon and I just figured I would explore while everyone was away. It was maybe about 10 minutes in or so, and then all the sudden I felt it. The pulsing, clenching release of the female orgasm. I had one… I knew what it was and it was clear how I got to it. I was so excited I kept going and had two more. Hey, I had a lot of catching up to do!

So how did I finally get to my orgasm? The truth is; I worked really hard at it. I educated myself around pleasure, probably more than most people would ever be interested in learning. I was patient with myself and let go of all the expectations of how to “get there” that I had heard from other people.

I needed to close my eyes and really focus. I also found that I needed to hold my breath at the top of my inhale, for a really long time. This made the orgasm more intense. I needed it to be pretty quiet with no one distracting me too. I didn’t actually like anything inside my pussy, just stimulation on the outside over the clit. Direct stimulation with fingers (or a tongue) did (and still does) very little to move me up my arousal curve to orgasm. I always liked the touch and attention, but in terms of bringing me to high levels of arousal, I’ve just never reached it those ways. My whole body needed to be still and concentrated, not like what you see on porn. I had to learn to follow my erotic energy in my body. I had to learn how to not shut down the sensation or close off to it, and also make sure to not turn my experience into a performance for someone else.

I found the Hitachi to be the best tool for me. Many women feel that it is too much stimulation, I envy them. I wish I didn’t need such an intense vibrator to get off because using it during sex is often challenging and inconvenient. But wishing things were different does not matter, this is the way my body is, and I have learned to accept and love this about me.

Everyone woman’s pussy is different, they look different and will respond differently to stimulation. Some women will respond well to really strong touch, while others will like very soft stroking. Most women need some sort of clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. The clit is a very interesting anatomical organ, only a small portion of the clit is visible to the eye, meaning a lot of pleasure happens under the surface.

If you have been unable to find your orgasm, please know you are not alone. There are many other women out there that are still trying to find theirs! Keep trying. Keep educating yourself and experiment at your own pace. Most importantly, be experimental alone when all the pressure is off. Did I mention May is National Masturbation month?

Happy pleasuring,