Moving Away From the Orgasm Trap

Getting stuck chasing the orgasm is something many of us do. It seems so normal that it’s become habitual – sex doesn’t “count” unless there’s an orgasm.

With all their splendor and glory, orgasms can create a few negative side effects during sex if you let them take over your night!

The biggest pitfall I see people fall into is determining how well the sex went based on the intensity and duration of their orgasm or orgasms. If you are rating an experience based on what you got, you’re bound to be let down and even worse, disconnected from the moment.

Anytime we focus on one thing exclusively we grow less connected to what we are experiencing right now. Unable to see all that is going right, only to focus on what we are not getting.

Take for instance a couple that I have worked with for a few months who were having very little sex compared to what they both wanted. As we got more into what was actually happening between them, it seemed she would get so concerned about her orgasm happening that she wasn’t enjoying anything else they would do together sexually.

Helping her see that her strong association that sex = orgasm was making it difficult for her partner to connect with her at all shifted the way she approached their intimacy all together. She began to explore and enjoy other sexual acts not just the ones that lead to her orgasm. In turn, her partner was able to relax more and they started having much more fulfilling and memorable sex together.

The other big pitfall is only engaging in sex acts that lead to orgasm. Not only can this potentially result in making sex stale and boring because you are always doing the same thing, but you might also miss out on finding new things that you or your partner really enjoy. If you are always defaulting to the same move out of fear or comfort, try something different next time.

Most of us are rushing around trying so hard to be perform everything perfectly. Getting all our daily tasks completed, animals and kids fed, here and there on time, responding to all our emails and texts that we forget to slow down and enjoy the moment. But what better time to slow down than in sex with your partner?

Orgasm can be the most important part of your sex life, I’m not here to challenge what you like. But if you’d like to add more layers to your experience you might consider having an orgasm or a few early on with your partner so you can kick back and enjoy all the other things sex have to offer you. If you’re not sure what else sex is about – what a great time to find out!

– Keeley

Thumbnail image via Tino Tedaldi/Getty Images/Cultura RF