Sexual fantasies — we ALL have them — the stories, plots and ideas that run around in our heads and get us hot, hard and wet, bringing us to orgasm and beyond. Some people can easily express and share their deepest, dirtiest, wildest fantasies and not feel the fear of judgment or shame, while most of us fall into another category. We might feel embarrassment and anxiety about how our lovers will see us after we share what really turns us on. Will they be able to really, truly hear us or just get freaked out?
It is so difficult to share our inner erotic worlds because once “the cat is out of the bag” the relationship dynamic could very well change. Say your partner is not very accepting, there is a very real possibility that they might never look at you the same way again. While the hope is that your partner would be able to see the bigger truth about who you are, sometimes they don’t, or at least they do not right away. Their immediate reaction might be a sense of betrayal, or they might see you as perverted or disgusting.
Exposing yourself on this level of vulnerability feels incredibly risky, yet, at the same time, your partner might also be accepting or want to understand better why a particular sexual fantasy turns you on. Bringing your erotic fantasies into your relationship can be one of the sexiest and hottest ways to become aroused and deepen the connection.
So, how do you determine whether the risk worth it?
The erotic mind is a somewhat fickle part of us. It so badly wants to come through and been seen but has learned over years of socializing to avoid criticism and become very private. The truth about the erotic mind is that it will lie, hide, go underground, and shut down if it senses ANY judgment or ridicule. It sometimes even hides our own sexual fantasies from us if we deem something “unacceptable” in our conscious mind! First, we must better understand what’s going on within ourselves to comprehend why there is a need to hide.
Fantasies thrive in the realm of excitement and newness and couldn’t care less about being politically correct. Fantasies often draw no distinction between relationship agreements; crossing the boundaries set into conventional relationships that are put there to build trust and security, making fantasies inherently untrustworthy. But that is often what is so exciting about fantasies — we do not know what turn they might take, what boundary they might cross, what taboo they might explore.
Unfortunately, for many people, the conversations about turn-ons happens when they get discovered or “caught” red-handed, leaving the couple in the midst of a crisis, instead of talking openly about why whatever is happening is happening. Most couples do not really talk about sex, and talk even less about fantasy.
Take for example a couple that Keeley worked with where the wife had walked in on the husband in a compromised position with himself. Luckily, for them, she was completely non-judgemental and open to understanding his fantasies. Over the next few months, they build trust around talking about sex and opening up. He needed to know that she would not see him as a completely different person once she knew what he was turned on by. Once he felt secure in her non-judgement, he began to share what really turned him on and she loved it. Acceptance didn’t happen because what he wanted was politically correct and easy talk about, it happened because their whole process brought them much closer together and both reported feeling like they knew one another at a much deeper level than before. And this is after 20 years of marriage!
While fantasy is inherently built through the excitement of the unknown and politically incorrect, in non-judgmental relationships you can actually safely explore and experience this uncertainty.
Perhaps, at the root of the question then, is how to make our relationships more non-judgmental to lower anxiety and fear when sharing fantasies.
From our experiences and observations, compassion and non-judgment are most possible in relationships where there is a policy of honesty and support about everyday things. When you take the time to make sure you’re on the same page with the little and more objective things and showing each other support, it creates a kind of bridge that allows you to be on the same page when it comes to the bigger and more subjective things.
Couples stay sexually connected in many ways; essentially everything you do that moves in the direction of openness, honesty, compassion, and supporting one another lowers the risk of rejection and shock when sharing fantasies. The more you can bring those qualities into your everyday lives and strengthen the non-sexual side, the easier it will be to transition those qualities into sexual realm.
– Keeley & Nikita