Men often write in to us or walk into Keeley’s office and ask: “what do women really want in bed?” We’ve decided it’s time to answer this question in an article. First, it is important to note that each woman is a completely different person, and the experiences they have had in the world will lead them to desire different things. That said, we would like to discuss a few things women often say they would like to receive more of with regards to touch and pleasure.
The three most common things women want in bed and are not getting are:
- More sensual touch.
- Consistent and present connection.
- Deeper conversations around turn-ons and fantasies.
We will address all three in separate articles. This first article will be around sensual touching.
One of the most common desires women have that they are often not getting is more sensual touching all over their bodies before sex or genital touch begins. While many men get the idea that passion or dominance is the way to get their woman aroused and seduce her, many women (including the ladies here at BetterSexEd) consistently find ourselves reminding our partners that we appreciate when touch starts slowly and purposefully all over the whole body before focusing on the usual erogenous zones. To be blunt, this means do not go right for the boobs, ass or pussy.
We cannot emphasize enough this type of touching.
This touch includes long strokes and slow caresses all over the whole body. Try starting on her back, neck, stomach, or even on her feet and work your way up her body. Even better, be affectionate throughout the day, simply by reaching out and touching her hand with your hand, or gently touch her arm, waist or leg.
Some men find this kind of touching boring or not arousing and start mixing up the pressure or lifting their hands and placing them randomly and pressing down on another part of the body. This is not relaxing for the person being touched. The touch needs to be somewhat rhythmical – you don’t want to be jumping all around. When you move your hands slowly and purposefully, women relax and their pussies get wet, which allows them to step into their arousal. Think of this touch as more sensual than arousing. The sensual leads to arousal!
Once a woman has relaxed and her pussy is wet, you can certainly keep doing what you’re doing, but you also now have the green light to move onto other kinds of foreplay she enjoys. (Notice we didn’t say just go for penetration!)
Many people (men and women alike) are actually lost when it comes to touching one another in a sensual way. If that is the case for you, tell your partner, “I want to learn to touch you in a way that turns you on.” Set aside time to learn how to touch each other in a way that really turns them on. Give honest feedback about what feels good. You could even show them by touching your own body to demonstrate what you like if you’re partner is struggling to understand. Giving and receiving feedback is key for great sex and being able to touch one another well is a must.
Why do so many people struggle to touch well? One reason is touching is an embodied experience. You cannot read a book and learn how to run energy and physically connect with another person through touch. You must learn how to do this through actual physical experiences of trial and error. Though it can be fun sometimes to just get in a quickie, when the body is awakened fully with touch prior to sex, the pleasure from sex will feel a lot more intense.
We also think porn probably has an impact here. Few porn clips show any kind of kissing or touching in the beginning of a sexual scene. Even when they do, let’s face it, you probably skip that part and move to the more sexy scenes.
Many people also come to sex from a scarcity model. The idea behind this is that sex is rare and if you don’t do everything just right – you’ll lose the opportunity. It creates this hurry-up mentality where you do not feel that you can slow down and explore. Sex feels rushed and there is pressure to get to the “intercourse” part of sex. If you are feeling rushed to hurry into sex, mention it to your partner and see if you two can step away from the pressure to get to the finish line and instead dance your way through physically connecting through pleasure.
If you feel overwhelmed with the idea of slowing down and taking your time to touch, you may want to ask yourself why? Are you worried you won’t be able to keep her attention, does slow touching make you feel vulnerable, or has it always seemed in the past that she wants to hurry? There are many reasons people can make up to not want to slow down and connect more deeply – getting under your story and talking with your partner about your feeling can go a long way in both of you having better, more pleasurable sex.
Keeley & Nikita
Thumbnail image via WeHeartIt
Read Part II here
Read Part III here