In Part I, we discussed the importance of sensual touch in non-erogenous areas (like neck, stomach and thighs) both inside and outside the bedroom. In part II, we’ll discuss the importance of showing up and being fully present on a regular basis – in everyday interactions with your woman. This is a long term game plan.
When Keeley meets with couples who want to be having better sex, she first inquires about their day-to-day experiences with each other to find out more about their emotional connection. Are they open, friendly, loving, kind, generous – vulnerable? Do they feel safe to fully express themselves with one another? Not always, but often times when a couple’s sex life is lacking, they are also struggling to connect on many different relationship levels.
You maybe asking yourself, how does having a better emotional connection outside the bedroom lead me to have better sex with my woman? The first step to having amazing sex and blowing her mind, is to ensure she feels safe, seen and understood. This will make her feel valued and important. If you’re only turning towards her when you want something sexual, she is going to learn that her value to you is based on giving sexually. When any person feels valued in just one way, they often develop anxiety around that thing, which, when it comes to sex, usually doesn’t end well.
Women go to sex to feel connection.
If she feels that you only want to connect with her when you go to the bedroom, she’s going to be less likely to be relaxed and give herself fully to you. One of our favorite mentors, Esther Perel says, “foreplay starts right after the last orgasm.” Meaning, how you engage with her before and after sex is foreplay for the sex you’ll be exploring down the line.
What does deep connection and presence look like?
It means asking questions, taking an active interest and showing you care. You can ask questions around how your sweetheart’s day is going and openly share about yours. When you do this, make sure you are really listening.
Taking time from your busy lives to sit down together, turn towards one another and look into each other’s eyes shows that the other person that they are important to you. If you haven’t seen your partner’s eyes today, you’re probably not sharing in this deep and present way that we are referring to. This requires letting go of the distractions of the day. Not gazing into your phone or jumping up or reaching over immediately when the text ding goes off, turning off the TV and the computer, and discussing things that are important and meaningful.
Turn towards one another.
Setting up a relaxing shared space in your home during can be very helpful to facilitate this connection. It may also be helpful to read The 5 Love Languages to learn about how you and your partner naturally prefer to give and receive love (i.e. your love language; every individual has a different love language or combination of love languages). This book can offer great insight into where your time and effort would be best spent in terms of meeting your partner’s needs.
Keeley was recently working with a couple who moved back to the states from abroad. They came into her office because their passion for each other was starting to fade and sex was becoming less frequent. They were worried their sexual connection was disappearing. As they explored what was happening in the relationship, they realized that when they lived abroad, they would walk 30 minutes together each day to work and back. Even though they were not looking into each other’s eyes when they walked, this time allowed them to connect and offered them both a chance to talk and share about what was going on in their lives. The closeness they felt and maintained on a daily basis allowed them to more easily move towards one another sexually at home.
Sometimes, when there has been so little connection with a couple, the desire many women have to feel deeply connected to their partner can take a while to re-ignite. This is because it requires a re-building or deepening of trust. Meaning, this is more of a long-term game plan; don’t expect one conversation to do the trick. However, the results often are greater sexual pleasure and relationship satisfaction for both parties. In other words, the juice is worth the squeeze!
– Keeley & Nikita
Thumbnail image via WeHeartIt
Read Part III here