Have you ever shared your deepest sexual desires with someone? When was the last time you talked about your fantasies with your partner?
In Part I and Part II, we discussed the importance of everyday physical affection and being present in non-sexual interactions – two important habits that keep an intimate connection alive in a long-term relationship. In Part III, we will discuss how to keep your lady in a mental and physical state where she will proactively want to take advantage of the strong intimate connection that you are helping to maintain and explore what really turns her on.
Women truly do really want to let go sexually, be fully expressive and feel pleasure in their bodies! Yet many women do not feel they have ample space to fully open up around their turn-ons and fantasies to share what it is that they really desire. The good news is: you have the ability to create a welcoming space for her to do this.
Sharing turn-ons, fantasies and desire is a two-way street.
In our opinion, the biggest mistake couples make when starting to explore fantasies is one person asking their partner to share what turns them on before they themselves share. In exploring this sexy and vulnerable conversation, to help the other person feel it’s safe to share, you need to first take the plunge and share all your vulnerable fantasies. Begin by complimenting your partner about something you enjoy about them and your connection together (lubricant for the conversation, if you will!), then ease into sharing your desires, what you think is sexy, and the things you would like to try.
Note: what you would like to try could include the type of porn you enjoy (i.e. whatever themes turn you on or scenarios you masturbate to). Most people don’t take the time to open up at this personal level and share what they are sexually fantasizing about. In our culture, it is still taboo to speak openly about the pervy things we get turned on by (for more on that, check out the book, Perv, below).
Luckily, like most things, these conversations get easier with regular practice. As both of you evolve and as your connection evolves, you will fulfill fantasies and your desires will evolve, meaning this is an ongoing conversation that you don’t have to get right in one quick five-minute chat.
Starting to share what turns us on builds trust in the relationship and also opens up our minds to being sexually aroused. When you learn about your lady in that way and she feels seen and understood by you, you can start to fully meet her needs, desires and fantasies.
Discussing your turn-ons also allows you and your partner to really see each other as sexual beings. When you are able to view one another as sexual beings with your own individual preferences, self-expressions and turn-ons, you are then able to witness each other in a way that is unique and special to the two of you. Together you can then cultivate and deepen this exclusive intimate connection. What is more sexy than that?
People’s fantasies are forever evolving – just like we as people are always evolving, growing and changing. What that means for a relationship is constantly revisiting fantasy and being open to the changes so you can stay on the same page. If the last time you chatted with your sweetie about turn-ons was a year ago, the things they are fantasizing about now have probably shifted. Think back to what you were into… is it the same now as it was a year ago? Maybe you have some similar scenarios swirling around in your head, but you probably have added in new sexy material that impacts your arousal.
What if she has no fantasies?
Encouraging your partner be free to express what she really desires will give her the freedom to let go of any inhibitions in the bedroom. Yet sometimes, people have very few sexual fantasies (or little awareness of what turns them on). Keeley has helped many of her clients learn more about their turn-ons and fantasies and has learned that the process of more deeply understanding yourself sexually is laden with shame, discomfort and fear of being judged. So, if your lady says, “I don’t have any fantasies,” do not feel hopeless. You are just at the beginning of her journey. Through staying patient, curious and vulnerable yourself, you have opened the possibility of deepening your connection with her far beyond what she has ever known.
– Keeley & Nikita
Thumbnail image via WeHeartIt